It's just conkers.

     Hello, my love.

         It feels like ages since I last wrote a blog, but life has a funny way of throwing curveballs when you least expect it. I know they say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, but really. How strong do we have to be? And how the heck are we already in the middle of October? Saying that, this is my favourite time of year. I love the colours of autumn, the misty chill in the mornings, all the Halloween sweets in the shops. Yes, this is the best time of the year. Cut me open, and I bleed pumpkin spice. But that doesn’t mean that it’s an easy time. I suffer from SAD, and the shortening daylight really cuts into my mental health. Ah, yes. Mental health. What a funny thing. One minute you feel like you can handle anything, and then, boom. Life is almost unbearable. And yet. Life goes on. Halloween is just around the corner, then Bonfire Night and then the inevitable Christmas, the most expensive time of the year. Will my wobbly constitution survive yet another blow? Will I be able to carry on when another bill lands on my doormat? Or is there one thing that will see me through the long, dark nights that fits neatly in my pocket?

          As a teenager, I remember someone telling me that once you reach 25, the years fly by, and I told myself then that that definitely wouldn’t happen to me. I was going to live my life to the fullest and never take my time for granted. If the same person said that to me today, I would ask where the heck September went. I'm fifty now, and I haven’t done half the things I dreamed of. I still haven’t published any of my books yet. I haven’t returned to acting, the one thing that makes my heart happy. And now I'm resigned to being single for the rest of my life. No, this is not where I thought I would be by now. My children have mostly flown the nest; I don’t really have a social life, as who has the time for that? I work and sleep, with little else in between. No, that’s not true. In those rare moments of free time, I go to the theatre. And thanks to those cheap ticket apps, I can do so for a fraction of the cost. And I have my beloved allotment, which always needs more love and attention than I can give it. Still, it's there—silently growing my yellow courgettes, Brussels sprouts, purple runner beans, and giant pumpkins. But is this enough to carry me through these uncertain times?

        Another saga always seems to be going on somewhere in the world. I, who am normally very political, cannot watch the news. I can’t bear it right now. I am so scared of what the future holds. It feels like we are collectively disillusioned with what is going on around us. Life has become unaffordable for most. Once, we could pay our bills, buy our shopping, and have a little left over for savings or a little treat now and then, but not anymore. Now, an unexpected bill is all it takes to land on our doormat, and the prospect of a happy Christmas flies right out the window. How did it come to this? Not long ago, I could buy any groceries I wanted, with a few special treats for my children, too. But now, bread, milk, eggs and cheese are crazy expensive. Ice cream no longer exists in my house. Those little luxuries that once sat in my freezer now stay in the supermarkets. I will also be taking part in the ‘We’re not buying it’ boycott on 28th October. That day, I'll join thousands of others who won’t enter a supermarket or forecourt for 24 hours. In our own small way, it tells big business and government that enough is enough. And if I need something, I will only see Bossman in one of our corner shops. But is this small stand enough to see me through to better times?

        So what I am saying is that my life is hard. Really hard, in all truth. Nights are drawing in. Money, what I have of it, is tight. Life is so expensive. What can be done to make this any better? When I put my hand into my pocket, my fingers ran over the familiar bumps and curves of a secret. For the longest time, I have loved conkers. They fall from the trees at this time of year, landing like glitter and glistening in the fading sunshine. Some are large and smooth, while others are smaller, bent or even totally flat on one side. Each conker is unique. Each one has the potential to grow into a giant tree if given the chance. Each one is as important as the next. No two conkers are the same. I love hunting for them. I love filling my pockets with the shiny brown, pocket-sized pieces of autumn. As they age and dry, their shape changes into something new. No matter which coat I put on, I always find a pocket conker. Some are from last year; others have been in a pocket for years. I find such comfort in running my fingers along the edges, their hardened shells moulding to fit just right in my hand, and I remember. I have survived this before. Okay, maybe not the same challenges banging on my door now, but I have survived life-changing circumstances before. I have weathered storms in the past that always led me to a brighter tomorrow, even if I didn’t see it at the time, just like the conker in my pocket. It survived the fall and emerged from the spiky green husk it once called home, becoming a magical secret in my pocket.

         Okay, so I’m not a famous writer yet, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t be. I will publish my books soon, so watch this space. I am in the middle of writing my fourth full-length novel, thanks to the continuous support and badgering from my beautiful daughter, who wants to read it as soon as it’s finished, and who has been most of my inspiration. This year, I wrote four plays that will be performed next year at a new play fest I created, which I hope will run annually. So I may not have ‘made it,’ but that doesn’t mean I haven’t already won. And I will go back to acting one day, and that’s okay, too. Life is just too full to fit anything else in. As for finding a partner in crime, someone to grow old with, there is no time limit on finding the right one. I don’t need to worry about being alone, as I am never truly alone. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people, who all make my heart swell with joy. 

      

      Life may not be as bad as it feels, but it doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Like millions of people across the country, I need to buckle down financially and keep going. This too shall pass, but like my pocket conker, I'll harden, hold my place in the world, and bring happiness to others and myself. So go out and find your own pocket conker.