There's a porpoise close behind me

Hello, lovelies.

Can you believe it? Today marks the first of June. We’re halfway through the year. And for me, this year was going to be the start of my 26-year plan of being a world-famous writer, married to Jason Momoa, and living the high life. However, to date, I am no closer to my goal than I was when I first envisioned where I wanted my life to be. And that had me worrying. On my next birthday, I will be half a century old, and I am not living the life I thought I would. As a child, I always knew that I wanted to be a famous actor, touring the world in my own one-woman show, signing autographs and posing for pictures with my adoring fans. And so far, the only people wanting to talk to me are my bank manager, credit card companies and some random bloke who keeps calling me instead of his mate. We have very similar numbers. So, is this all I can expect in my life? Waking up, going to work, coming home, doing the laundry and falling into bed. Wash, rinse and repeat. But I was promised so much more than this. We all were. All we had to do was find our purpose in life, and all the rest would fall into place. Career, family, holidays and as many designer handbags as I could carry. Was that the purpose of it all? Was that all I could expect from life? Seeing that I have achieved none of it, what should I do now? There has to be an answer to life, and it can’t be 42!

I always knew that my life would be working, living and breathing the theatre. I never wanted anything else. I was that annoying theatre kid, and I grew up to be the living embodiment of a West End Wendy. I spend hours reading plays, watching shows and trying to work out my top ten favourite musicals, side note, The Rocky Horror Picture Show is my number one! I am at my happiest when I walk into a theatre. From the smell to the excitement and anticipation of what's to come, it all makes my heart sing. I always knew that my purpose in life was to be on the stage. And growing up, that’s what I did. I toured the country, appearing on so many stages. Some of my favourite memories are of me dressed as Alice, appearing in Alice in Wonderland. But then life got in the way. I met my ex-husband, got married and started my family, and that burning purpose became more of a hobby than my life’s mission. And now, at 49, I’m not sure what I should do with my life. I’m too tired to start a world tour of arenas and stadiums. And now that I have a mortgage, the option of dropping everything and doing a TIE for 6 months is nothing more than a pipe dream. So, what’s left?

And then, when I look around my friend group, I see just how far those that I love have gone. I know some amazing people who are making a real difference in the world, and I wonder how they achieved so much in such a short time, while I am only just managing to keep on top of the laundry pile. Does that mean that those who are making great strides are fulfilling their purpose? How do they have the time to fit it all in, while I haven’t had a chance to blow my nose since Monday? And what if I never fulfil my true potential? Does that mean that I have totally failed at life? But who is it that sets the standards to which I must adhere to? Was it unfair of our career teachers at school to ask us what we wanted to be, knowing that for some of us, we would never make it? Instead of asking us what we wanted to be, should they have just prepared us for the life we were actually going to lead?

It’s so easy for me to look at all the things I haven’t done, then appreciate everything I have. Like this blog, for example. I have wanted to write a blog for months now, but every time I sit in front of my laptop, my brain turns to mush, and I stress that anything I write will not be good enough, so I write nothing. But if I were to wait for the right time, then I wouldn’t get anything done. And just because I will never be a world-famous writer, doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t do it. And if only one person were to read this blog, does that mean I have wasted my time? Or is that the point of it all?

During my time playing Alice, one line has always stuck with me. And that was the mock turtle saying that Alice needed a porpoise. She replies he must have meant that she needed a purpose, and he said, ‘I mean what I say.’ And that was it. One person’s purpose is another’s porpoise and vice versa. There is no meaning to life. There is no higher purpose that we must all strive for. Just being is enough. I will never be a brain surgeon, work for NASA or sell out on the national stage, and that is okay. Mensa isn’t bashing down my door, and I don’t think that I’m ever going to be a billionaire, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not as worthy as those that are. Why have we all been yoked with the pressure and responsibly of doing and having it all? When the simple act of being is enough. In fact, it is more than enough. From social media and mega corporations, we have been sold a very expensive lie that if we just buy into the dream, then we can have it all. But the price has always been too high.

So, I will continue to write my little blog, my pantos and my little stories. And that is enough. I am enough. And my little life is all that I need. I don’t need to have a purpose. I’d much rather have a porpoise.