Excepting the change

             Hello, lovelies

   We’re creeping through January and this brand-new year isn’t turning out to be so different than the last. We still have the same restrictions. Shops are still closed, and who knows when we’ll ever be able to go shopping for clothes again. So, will this year bring about the changes that we all need? Can we grow in this time of utter standstill? Or are we safely cocooned in our homes for another year? Can we stay the same or can we all make the change, no matter how scary it will be?

            In the immortal words of the iconic green witch, Elphaba, in the musical Wicked, ‘Something has changed within me, something is not the same.’ And that’s how this new year has affected me. We were all thrust into a strange and unprecedented set of circumstances that will have long term effects on our health, both mental and physical. And it would be so easy to let the lethargy of Covid seep into 2021. But I don’t want that. Over the last weekend, I decluttered a large section of my house. I opened cupboards and wardrobes and let go of a lot of baggage, but I knew that ridding myself of just the things wouldn’t be enough. I needed to let go of all the emotional baggage I’ve been holding on to for a very long time.

            Over the years I have perfected my unique style. I love wearing feminine dresses with knee-high biker boots. I have waist-length brown hair, and I love wearing makeup, but am always ready to muck in when needed, and am more than able to carry a tumble dryer up a flight of stairs single handily (true story.) And I have a rather larger than life personality. But is any of that a true representation of the inner me? Have I found a way to hide the person I am inside by wearing loud clothes and a large amount of eye shadow? Yes. So why do I feel at odds with myself? And I realised that the person I have spent years creating is no longer the person that I am. I have changed. But for some reason, I haven’t been able to admit that I am not the person that I was.   

            Growing up wasn’t easy for most of us. Those teen years are hard, and I don’t ever want to do them again. But it was a time that we began to learn about ourselves. We began to experiment with fashion, music and who we are as a distinct person. Sadly, it was also a time that I was mercilessly bullied. I was continually told who I was and what I was, and that was nothing. I was nothing. And my self-identity became so intrinsically linked to my bullying, that I created this persona of a confident talkative person, to try to out weight the negative attacks on my person. And the more scared and insecure I felt, the more I put on bright clothes and talked nonstop. And that was the Emma I became. But that is not the same Emma I am now. I have changed. And that is so scary. Am I ready to brave the new me?

            Is it enough to just feel the change, or do I have to act on it? Sadly, there is no quick fix. But by looking ahead to the future, I’ll be able to understand the past and understand it as something that had to happen for me to move forward. There was nothing wrong with who I was, but that’s just it. It’s who I was, and not who I am now. By embracing change will mean that I can grow into something new. And maybe even something better. I can’t allow myself to resist and reject it the process.

People do resist change, because it’s scary, as they believe they will lose something of value or fear they will not be able to adapt to the new them. Or the change will affect their daily routines, which is a deep emotional feeling, as it threatens their level of safety and security.

            But I am ready to embrace the change. I want to see who this new Emma will become. I am no longer willing to put up with the things I used to, as I want to grow into the person I should be. It’s going to be hard; I know. But I am so looking forward to it. Will you join me?