Oh, just be quiet

Hello, lovelies.

Is it just me, or does anyone else have that voice in head, our own inner critic, that, at times, can be overwhelming and at others, be downright annoying. For me, everything I do, say or think is broken down and dissected, with all my actions laid open for critique. Usually I can live my life normally, but then, mostly at three in the morning, I lay in bed thinking of all the things I have done wrong. All the things I should have said. All the times I should have gone left instead of right. And I’m paralysed with the ‘what ifs.’ I used to think that it was a good thing to listen to my inner voice, as it was only trying to make sure that I did the right thing. But lately, the voice is less concerned with what I do, but it's much more interested in why I do things. Why do I always have to get involved in things that don’t concern me? Why do I always have to have an opinion on everything? And, most importantly, why can’t I keep my big mouth shut? Does my inner critic have a point? Should I stay away from other people’s drama? Opinions are like belly buttons, everyone has one, so why do I always have to speak my mind? My thoughts are no more important or valid than anyone else's. So, is it a good to always listen to my inner voice? To keep my big mouth shut? Not to see or get involved with things that don’t concern me? Or is it time to finally let loose and tell the world exactly what I think?

Believe it or not, but I am actually incredibly shy. I have the worst case of foot in mouth disease. And if there is a wrong thing to say, you can bet your bottom dollar that I’m going to say it. Which can make me either hilarious or a massive pain in the neck. Then if you throw in to the mix that I am a people pleaser, you end up with a big weirdo, who says whatever is on my mind, who can never say no. But the one thing that I can guarantee is that I mean no harm. I never want to hurt anyone, even to my detriment. And that little voice in my head is always there, jumping in and making sure that I ruminate on everything that I may have said or done. But my little critic only ever pulls me up on the bad things and is completely silent when I get things right. I have the worst memory, and yet I can tell you exactly what I did in that awkward conversation or argument ten years ago. Or that crappy driver who cut me up, and I wish they get a speeding or parking ticket. How come I can remember all of that, and feel really bad about wishing them ill, and yet when someone comments on me doing a job well done, my brain is completely silent.

Having an inner voice can be useful, but not always. It’s like having a constant conversation with ourselves, but one that we are not the one in the driver’s seat. And we can talk to ourselves all day long. From should we really be eating that bar of chocolate to how we should respond to that text or email. Whatever it is, the voice runs through our head. And it's not always friendly. Yes, it can help motivate us and help us reach our goals, but that inner voice can be more harmful than good. Who is there to fight our corner when our own brains are criticising us, by undermining our positive feelings about ourselves and fostering self-criticism? It can lead to inwardness, distrust, self-denial, addictions, and a retreat from goal-directed activities. It can attack us at our very core, our self-esteem and confidence, our personal and intimate relationships, and our performance and accomplishments. Just when we think we’re on top of it all, our inner voice pipes up with thoughts like, you’re stupid, not attractive, or you’re not like other people. And my personal favourite is, the world would be so much better off without me in it. Far from true, but hurtful none the less.

So, where does this inner voice come from? It’s believed that from childhood, the often complicated experiences we go through are internalised, and that shapes the way we see ourselves. From our parents or primary caretakers, as children, we picked up on the negative attitudes of those around us . The way they interacted and behaved towards us, not just towards us, but how they treated themselves, gives volume to our inner voices. It can also be from interactions with peers and siblings, or influential adults. Now, don’t get me wrong, this inner voice isn’t our conscience that makes sure that we are all facing in the right direction, making us trustworthy and acting as our moral guide, this is the voice that degrading and punishing and often leads us to make unhealthy decisions. These negative voices increase our feelings of self-hatred without motivating us to change undesirable qualities or act constructively.

So, what can I do to shut the constant babble up? Not all of it, but the useless nonsense that I will never be good, clever or pretty enough. That voice needs to go. I’m too old and too tired to be listening to that rubbish. Well, first, in order to take back control, I must become conscious of what and why my inner voice is shouting so loudly. Then, I will stop it from running about my head all day. To understand that it’s not coming from me, and that I have the power to stop it. Learning what the triggers are and how easily they can change my mood and set those thoughts into action. I can question my inner critic, ask it why it wants me to think so badly of myself. Most importantly, I will tell myself every day that the world is better with me in it. Yes, it would be quieter without me, but not half as much fun.

I think that the world is a scary and unpredictable place at the moment, but we are all wonderful and amazing people who make it a much better place.