It's too late to apologise

           Hello, lovelies.

            They say that old wounds never heal, or, more succinctly, the wound made by fire will heal, but the wound that's made by the tongue will never heal. Is that true? Is there truth that once you forgive and forget, then the past can stay in the past and no apology is needed? But is that all it takes when someone has wronged you, and a simple sorry is enough to let bygones be bygones? Or are we much more complicated and messier than that? Then there’s the question: do we really need an apology? Can’t we just acknowledge that we were wronged, and that be enough? It would make life so much easier. Not having to rely on someone else, someone who has already hurt us, to genuinely mean it when they say sorry. And then the onus is on us to forgive and forget, as if it is that easy. We have to let go of all the pain, guilt or damage caused by another's actions and carry on as if nothing happened. Why does all of that have to fall on our shoulders, leaving those who have wronged us to carry on, guilt-free, to possibly go on and do it again and again? And what if we’re not ready to hear the word sorry? What if there may never be a time that we are open to having that wound touched upon? Why do we have to rush our healing time to fit into someone else's timeline of forgiveness? Is the simple sorry enough, or is it just too late to apologise?

            I am a well-renowned people pleaser, much to my discredit. I cannot tell you the number of times that I have wanted nothing more than to say no to someone, but when push comes to shove, I just can’t do it. Believe me when I tell you I have tried, I really have. But that simple two-letter word is insurmountable. Even when it would lead me to a place where I don’t want to go, and it would take up all of my available capacity. But I have been trained from a young age to never say no, and to do what is asked of me. And it is always then, when I have been pushed to my absolute limit, that something is said or done, and I am expected to either let the situation go or be the one to say sorry. And for the longest time, I would be the first to accept full responsibility for their actions, blame myself for not putting my foot down in the first place, and apologise to the very person who caused the problem. And I would like to say it had worked out well for me in the long run, but it hasn’t. And I began to ask myself whether my apology was genuine, or was just my way of trying to appease the situation. Leading me to finally ask myself, was I always to blame for the actions of other people? Was I really that bad that it would make others do and say whatever they wanted to me? Did I deserve it? Am I the person they’re making me out to be? Or is it all just a deflection of their actions, and for them to want to appease their own guilt?

            A while ago, I found myself at the wrong end of a really nasty smear campaign. I was at a time in my life when, although I looked okay, I was actually at one of the most vulnerable times in my life, and I put my trust and friendship in the hands of someone who had nefarious intentions. They threw me under the bus, and it completely broke me. And yet, even though those around me knew what had happened, it was expected for me to forgive and forget the person who had caused me so much pain and distress. And it wasn’t as if it wasn’t known to others just how much hurt had been done to me, but the easiest solution was for me to say sorry for reacting the way I did under the distress I was under. As it was easier for everyone else for me to do all the hard work, for me to take all the blame and shame, and for me to put an end to it all so that everyone else could put it behind them and for us all to move on. But how can that be right? How could anyone knowingly shift the blame just to keep the peace? 

           Forgiveness is a crucial skill. It’s advice that’s been handed out for ages, so much so that it’s easy to believe that it’s rooted in deep wisdom, and therefore it must be easy to do. But it really isn’t. Knowing how to forgive someone can be an essential life skill. It can save friendships, restore faith, and keep romantic relationships intact. But it can also shift the blame and responsibility to the wrong person. There are two types of forgiveness: decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness. Decisional forgiveness is making a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings, such as anger and resentment, putting them in the past. And emotional forgiveness, which means replacing negative emotions toward the person who has wronged you with positive ones, such as sympathy, compassion, or empathy. But does forgiving someone require that you forget what they’ve done? Not necessarily. Forgiving and forgetting implies that you’ve moved on and no longer think about the offensive act. But forgiving an offence can be hard to do. A 2011 study suggests that forgiveness may permit the person to continue the offense. Sometimes, people who hurt others can manipulate the forgiveness process. Also, the concept of “forgive and forget” can be a complex and delicate topic to discuss, particularly for survivors of abuse or trauma, leading to feelings of guilt and shame or feelings of helplessness. There is also the possibility of re-victimisation, isolation, and social distancing. 

          But if we’re looking at this from the wrong angle. What if we’re forgiving the wrong person? We’re told that we should forgive those who have wronged us, when, in fact, we should be forgiving ourselves. We cannot control what others do to us, but we can forgive our reactions to it. In forgiving ourselves, we can release emotional baggage, such as anxiety, anger, and pain. It may also improve physical health, while unforgiveness may increase heart rate and blood pressure. And we don’t have to forget either. We learn. Each experience teaches us something, even the painful ones. Forgetting means you’re forgoing the lesson and growth that can come from it. Instead, consider using it to better equip you for the future. 

          So, it is time for me to put an end to apologising. I am done saying sorry for things that I haven’t done and may have been damaged by. I will no longer take the moral high ground and forgive and forget the actions of others. But I will be forgiving myself. Forgiveness is a process that can take time and may require some effort, but I’m here for it. Forgiving and forgetting is a choice, and if you choose not to do either, that’s OK.