The mirror cracked

       Hello, lovelies. 

       Hopefully, we are all the main characters in our own stories. The main focus of our own lives. But can that mean that we might bend what we see to fit our narrative, to a point that even when we misbehave, we can make ourselves believe that we are the victims of our bad behaviour, not the preparator? No one wants to believe that we are bad at heart, but what happens when that is what we are? Should we always point out someone’s misdoings so that they can reflect and grow in their lives? But how can we know that what we are saying is for good reasons, and not to deflect from our own lives? Who has the right to say what they see, or what they think they see, and not what is the easiest route out of a sticky situation? Can we trust what we ‘think’ is correct, or should we all take our version of the truth with a pinch of salt? 

            I can honestly say that I have never done or said anything that would intentionally hurt someone. That is not to say that that was always the case. More often than not I have put my foot right in it and said or done the wrong thing. But it was never meant in a bad way. So, why then, does it come off that way? Can I really say that my intentions were honourable? How can I say with 100% certainty that the ‘truth’ that I saw was what actually happened? 

        When I was married, it was easy. I knew exactly who was wrong and who was right. I never right. My ex-husband was a master of manipulation and deceit. He could use gaslighting to such an effect, that you would have thought that the term was created just for him. If he broke something, then it was my fault. He spent all his money on beer and cigarettes, then it was because of me. He accidentally cheated on me for the entire 23 years that we were together, but somehow, I was to blame, and even his family backed him up on that. His mother once said to me that if I had been a better wife, then he wouldn’t have drunk himself stupid and cheated on me. Was she right? Can I put my hand on my heart and say that I should and could have done more? How can I be sure that my version of events is true or not? When I held the mirror up to examine my life, how could I tell if what I saw was the truth? Was my mirror showing me a true representation of the truth or has my mirror been cracked for so many years that I can no longer see who is right and who is wrong? 

             And what about those people who see something, but want to stir up trouble and cause mischief and mayhem? How can we know what they’re saying is true and not just a twisted version of the truth? My childhood best friend would constantly belittle me and criticise me, to the point that I didn’t think that I deserved friends. She would tell me just how horrible I was, and that no one but her would be able to be my friend. Everything I did or said was judged by her. She too had the backup of her family, who would also tell me all the things I did, big or little, that were wrong. Now, I’m not saying that I was completely blameless, as I was a terror as a child, but was I really the little devil that everyone told me I was? Were they just trying to put me on the straight and narrow? How can you tell if someone’s intent is for your betterment and not a scapegoat for their bad behaviour? Once again, when holding up my mirror, will it reflect the truth or what I have been created to believe? 

            So, what happens when you’re confronted by the narrative of someone else's making? When you know in your heart you didn’t do or say all the things that they say that you did? When you hold up the mirror to see if what they’re saying you did is true, but it’s not. And yet, that’s what is believed by others. What should you do then? Fight to stay true to yourself, or crack your mirror to reflect what others tell you is the truth?

          For years, as a people pleaser, I held the broken mirror up and believed the version I saw as the gospel truth. I was always in the wrong, always doing and saying the wrong things. I was as broken as much as my mirror was. I saw a reflected version of me that was so far removed from what I thought about myself that I was half a person. And yet, I was still in the wrong. My cracked mirror has stripped away so much of me, that I hardly recognised myself.     

             But the thing is, although I look at the world through this cracked view, as with a mirror, when the light shines through, so many prisms of light shine from it and they shine so brightly. Making so many different versions of myself in so many different sizes and shapes. Yes, I put my foot right in it most of the time, but that doesn’t mean that I’m always broken. I’m just a Kintsugi person. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold, built on the idea that by embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art. Which is me. And you. And everyone. With kintsugi, every break is unique and instead of repairing an item like new, the 400-year-old technique highlights the scars as a part of the design. Using this as a metaphor can help heal ourselves, and in doing so it teaches us an important lesson: Sometimes in the process of repairing things that have broken, we create something more unique, beautiful and resilient.

           Yes, I may be wrong many more times than I am right. Yes, I may look through a cracked mirror, and bend the truth to make myself the main character. But, okay. I am no different than anyone else. We all see what we want to see. The main difference is that I know that my mirror is cracked, and I am okay with it. It shows me that there are many different ways to look at the world.