My, what a big one

          Hello, lovelies. 

                How much truth is in the old adage, go big or go home? How much stock can we hold to the meaning, that bigger is better? Is having more of something always an advantage? Can you have too much of a good thing? Be loud and proud. In today's society, we’ve been led to believe that having more means that we’ve made it in life. More money, more success and more stuff to fill our homes and empty our bank accounts. How many pairs of shoes are too many? 5 pairs? 10 Pairs? More? Asking for a friend. In a world where we can have more of anything we like and could ever want, shouldn’t that mean that we’re happy? More content? More satisfied? But then, maybe having too much or too many could only mean loss and emptiness. Too much stuff equals too little space. And what happens when having too much of something affects those around us? Is it wise to stay away from flaunting what we’ve got and how well we’re doing in life? Do we always have to think of others, and how our lives may affect them? When do we know that we have enough? That we are enough? Should we always hide our lives under a bushel to not ruffle any feathers? Or shine our bright light even brighter? 

          I have the amazing ability to justify just about anything in my life. Eat nothing but chocolate, I deserve it as I work crazy long hours a day. Want another pair of boots. Sure, the hundreds of pairs I already have are not the same as the new ones I want to buy. And there is nothing wrong with the sheer number of books that I own. Even if I had a spare 170 years, I wouldn’t be able to read them all. I just love having all the books, bags, boots and plants that I could ever need. My small hoard isn’t doing anyone any harm. I use everything I buy, and they give me a huge amount of pleasure. So, there isn’t really any problem. But I do have something that is far too big, far too loud and can upset and annoy the people around me. And that is my personality. I can come across as a very large and very loud person. I can talk too much, laugh like a foghorn and stick my nose into places that it doesn’t belong. Sure, my personality can be of a huge benefit. I am great at walking into a room and talking to everybody. I tend to notice those people who sit on the sidelines and try to bring them into the middle. I am excellent at seeing all the gifts and talents that people have, even if they don’t see it. I have an amazing ability to sell merchandise and programmes, or anything come to that. All in all, I come across as a larger-than-life person. I am happy and bubbly and love to chat with others. But then there are the downsides. 

              Being a talkative person can be draining to those people who don’t want the airwaves filled with constant noise. Hearing someone banging on can drive some to the brink of sanity. There are times when people just want to get on with their lives, not be bombarded by someone who doesn’t know how to be quiet. When a big personality walks into a room, it can suck out all the air. Big personas can be unpredictable and unwelcome. And can grate on some like nails down a chalkboard. 

           But how can we tell if we are one of those big personalities? Someone that others dread when we walk into a room? That what we think is funny or endearing, but is nothing more than mindless drivel? Or the kind of person who, when they walk in, brightens up the space? 

          People with big personalities tend to make longer and larger lasting impressions on others (in my case this includes strangers.) Their quirks and energy are in abundance, with charisma and flamboyance. Does this make them difficult to be around? They can turn a boring atmosphere into an exciting one in a matter of minutes upon entering the room. In a work environment, you notice when they are there and you notice when they aren’t. They tend to have no filter when in their comfort zone. They will tell you exactly what they think and why. They are interesting, to say the least. So, why then, do some folks find working with big personalities, trying at best, impossible at worst? 

           For me, I know that I can be too much, and always try to limit the amount of ‘Emma’ that I let out at any given time. Yes, it can come bursting out at inopportune moments, but by and large, I try to keep the big Emma for special occasions, like high days and holidays. And yet, even then some can find me far too loud and annoying. But does that make me a bad person? 

          I just asked my son if he thought that I had a big personality, and his answer was, ‘hell, yes!’ When I pushed him to tell me if that was a good or bad thing, he said that it is so much better to have a big personality than to live a small quiet life. Is he right? Is it better to join in and try to fit into life, rather than to sit it out, never raising your head about the parapet? 

         Deep down, I don’t feel like I have a big personality. I am actually painfully shy and like to retreat to the safety of my bedroom when life becomes too much. So how can I tell how others see me? Am I just justifying my behaviour, and downplaying the bad bits? But then it hit me. If I truly was a bad person, too loud, too annoying and generally too much, then I wouldn’t be surrounded by people all day every day. Over the years I have let go of all the harmful and negative people, and yet, I still have so many people, friends and colleagues to talk to.

            I will never really know what people think of me, or how they see me. But I know that they do see me. Big personally or small, it doesn’t matter, as we can all work and complement each other. My light may shine too brightly that it blinds some. But for others, it can work as a beacon, shining a light into the darkness. I’m not going to let my fear of being too much stop me from being me. And I hope that it won’t stop you, either.