And throw away the key

         Hello, lovelies. 

               Is the old saying, It’s a man’s world, really true? Should we listen to our predecessors, and as a woman only expect a life of care giving and always to be standing at the back of the room, never making the big decisions? Is my only true goal in life to take care of my man, no matter who he is and what he does? Or is that an old fairy tale, told to woman through the millennia and it is now time to stand up and be counted. Even if we have been found guilty of the most heinous crimes, all done for the sake of the ‘love of our life’? Should we women get a softer sentence, just because we were ‘just doing as we were told’? Or is it about time that we woman stand up and show the world just how strong and capable we really are? And not be able to hide behind the excuse that we women just didn’t know or understand what was really happening. 

          I would call myself a liberal feminist. It’s how I was brought up. My childhood role models were two incredibly strong single-minded women, my mother and grandmother. They instilled in me a deep-rooted belief that all discriminations and prejudices are the same. No one discrimination is more important or more worthy than another. We are all human beings, no matter what our gender, religion, sexuality, race, background or anything else. And therefore, we should all be treated the same with basic human dignity. With no exceptions. Now, as a real grown up, I live by that sentiment. Of course, being human means that I do have biases, everyone does. But it’s what we do with those biases that makes us who we are. But deep down, I have always tried to see the very best in people. But that has led to more than one or two problems in my life. I’ve been known to be way too trusting, which has resulted in me being conned, tricked and down right lied to. And as much as I can tell myself that other peoples actions towards me are a reflection on them not me, I still have to hold some responsibility for my role in the situation, even if I had no actual control of the outcomes. As a grown woman I have a say as to what I am happy with and am willing to do. Even when that decision comes with a very high cost. 

         I met my ex-husband when I was just 17. And at the time, I really did believe that he was the love of my life. I was able to overlook his one or two red flags, I was in love, so what did his small and infrequent out-bursts and gaslighting matter. I was in love with him, or so I told myself. He liked to control what we did, where I went and who I was allowed in to our (his) house. Was I really going to go out dressed like that? None of your friends really like you, you know. Why do you always have to be so stupid? People like you should be locked up. You’re mad. You’re crazy. Keep taking the pills. No one will ever love you like I do. You’re unlovable. Even God doesn’t love you. On and on it went. I lost myself for about ten years. I shut the real Emma away, and tried to be the Emma that I was expected to be. The Emma that was worthy of his love. The Emma that wouldn’t make him mad. The Emma that just wasn’t me. I was with him for 23 years. I was faithful, understanding, compliant, docile and meek. I hid when he was angry. And tried to be everything he wanted me to be.

       And as our children made an appearance into the world, I was very careful that they were kept from the worst of his outbursts and rage. They weren’t to blame. I was. I made him mad. I was the one that had made the wrong dinner. Hadn’t ironed his shirt correctly. They were kept away from him. But as the years marched on, I began to see that he was snapping at the children. Blaming them for things that they hadn’t done. And the name calling. And just like that, the 23 year old blinkers fell away. I saw him for what he was. A bully. Long story short, I left him. Filed for divorce and began my long slow journey of recovery. I own my mistakes in staying with the man I once believed that I loved. (Spoilers, I didn’t actually love him, I just thought I did.) I understand why I stayed with him at the time, but I will never escape from knowing that I should have done something sooner. I should have dumped him and cut him out of my life right at the very beginning. And no amount of therapy will rid me of the guilt of not standing up for what was right and calling out the man that was and is dangerous to know. 

          It is all very easy to say this with hindsight. Five years of active therapy has helped me no end, but I failed to protect my young vulnerable children. We are all a million miles away from where we were, but that guilt will never leave me. So, when I read in the news that Ghislaine Maxwell has been found guilty, I could have jumped for joy. Her life and mine couldn’t have been more different. She comes from money, obscene amounts of money, power and influence. The only thing that we can say that we have in common is that we are both women. That’s about it in a nutshell. She grew up in a world so far removed from mine that I wouldn’t even be able to recognize it. But as women, it’s our responsibility to look out for our fellow sisters. Keep pushing back the archaic patriarchy barriers, so that we can all share in this world on an equal footing. I shouldered the responsibility for my ex-husband, I only enabled him in hurting me, and left him as soon as I saw what he was trying to do to his children. I sought help from every agency that would help my kids and will continue to fight for their wellbeing. What I never would have done was to enable him to systematically groom and traffic young, vulnerable and disadvantaged young people. But she not only turned a blind eye, she sought out young girls, filled their heads with tales of riches and adventures to far flung places all as long as they do as they were told. She had no care or respect for the girls or what they had to endure. She enabled her man to abuse so many girls. She didn’t try to stop it. She didn’t leave an anonymous tip off to the police. She did nothing to stop what was happening and did everything in her power to carry on with their disgusting lifestyle. She may have been groomed herself. She may have been led into his world. But she had the power to stop it, just the way that I did. She saw all those girls as nothing more than a plaything to be used and discarded by the man in her life. She made all those choices. She had years to try and put right all the damage she had done. But she didn’t. She did nothing. 

         I may be a feminist. I may always want to see the best in people. But all that comes to mind is that they should lock her up for the rest of her foul life and throw away the key.