You played your hand

Hello, lovelies. The term poker face means to hide or conceal our true feelings or intent, and it’s an important tool in our everyday lives. Unlike telling a white lie or two, keeping on our poker faces helps maintain a smooth working day. It can help us to stay on track, not get too annoyed or upset when someone or something threatens to destroy our mental health or peace of mind. But what happens when someone does something in your life that turns your world upside down? If they apologise, do you have to forgive them and go back to the way it was before? Even if a simple ‘sorry’ could or would never heal the damage they caused? Should we always be the ones to let it go? Or can we learn from them showing us who they really are, and we can win the hand by playing our poker faces? I love playing cards. Growing up I learnt to play a game called ‘Shit Head.’ Shit head can be known by different names like Karma, Palace or Shed. It’s a card game where the object of the game is to lose all your cards, and the last player still holding any is crowned a ‘shit head.’ Charming name, I know. But it’s a really fun game. And I am pretty good at it. Well. I should be after all the hours I have put into playing it over the years. And as my children have grown up, I have introduced them to the card game, although I have changed the name to ‘Head’ and so far, there have been no questions as to its name. Slowly but surely my children are learning all my tricks and tactics, or Tic tac’s as they are known in my house. And it won’t be long before they will be able to beat me. And I mean really beat me, not the ‘mum graciously loses to make her children happy’ beat me. And one of the biggest tactics to winning is not to show your hand. I don’t mean physically, as you shouldn’t do that either, but to keep on the poker face as you work your way through the pack. So even if you have a good hand, you make no sign as to what you have. And, actually, that is a really good tactic for life. As an actor, I have learnt how to use my face and facial expressions to express emotion on stage. Well. Actually. I have one of those faces that you can read like an open book. If I’m happy, you can see it. If I’m sad or angry, it’s plastered all over my face. I have to work really hard to keep my internal feelings to myself. So what most people see when they look at me is my poker face. An open, friendly smiling poker face. Even when a slipped word or accusation said, a nasty biting comment levelled at me can do some real damage, all the while I just keep on smiling and trying to get on with my day. And the instigator would be none the wiser that they can cut me deeply. I know that some people would take a moment and explain how their words had been taken, but not me. There are many, many reasons why I don’t do that. The largest reason would be my ex-husband. He not only wouldn’t care that his words had cut me, but he would then use that information and use it against me again and again causing me more damage and pain. I learnt that I must always try to keep it all in. Sometimes it all comes blurting out, and that is not something that I try really hard to contain, but I am only human as my wonderful therapist keeps on trying to tell me, if only I would listen. I like my poker face. It has really helped me out through the years. But it can also serve another purpose for me. Not only has it kept my feelings from crashing out around me, but it has also stopped of others negativity from getting in, too. And this has been put to the test this past week. Not going into too many details but twice this week my poker face was put to the test, and both times I won my hand. Once was at work, where a manager was having a personal moment, and trying to take us all down with them, but with a smile and my trusty poker face I managed to ride that wave and not say something that I could never take back. Or to hand in my notice there on the spot. Phew, I have a mortgage to pay. And then, on a more personal note, I was suddenly surrounded by some people that it would take more than my poker face to not let them know how badly they had treated me in one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. Long story short, I had been thrown under the bus to save face and so that a group of people wouldn’t have to own their own behaviour. It was done in a very public and spectacular fashion. And I was deeply damaged by it. Now fast forward, there I was, surrounded by all those people who had treated me so badly. Yes, a few years have gone past, and we are at the tail end of a deadly pandemic, but that doesn’t mean that I had forgotten what they had done and said to me. All those snide remarks. All that laughing at me behind my back. It doesn’t matter that it happened years ago. Those feelings don’t just go away because someone gave me a small and back handed ‘sorry’. But what to do? Should I have confronted them and asked why they had needed to cause me so much pain and anguish? No. So I sat back and let them get on with what they were doing. But I watched them with my poker face on. And what I saw changed everything. These were not super-human beings, talented and clever. They were all small and broken, just like me. Some were trying to be the centre of attention. Desperately trying to show everyone how special they were, while others just sucked the energy and air out of the room. I had never seen that before. I was too busy trying to keep my own life together, that I hadn’t taken the chance to see who some people really are. So now, when they tried to talk to me, ask how I’m doing, I could chat, smile and then walk away. They had showed me their hands, and as far as they were concerned, they had won the game and I had lost. But I’m not playing their game anymore. I am playing my own game. I may not win or lose, but it is my game and I can set the rules.