Terf wars? Not on my turf!

Hello, lovelies.

     From the second we are born our lives are mapped out for us. Our parents and guardians choose what schools we go to, what we eat and what we wear. Our moral ethos, family religion and traditions are passed on, and we are expected to follow suit, never asking questions as to why. We are told, from a young age, what is expected of us, and what we should expect out of our lives. We don’t even get a choice in what colours we are allowed to wear. Who decided that blue was for boys? For some this can be a handy framework, that they can use to help them grow in the same mould as their parents. But for others, what is expected may be the polar opposite of who they are and what they want out of life. And what if the person you are on the inside bears no relation to how you look on the outside. Are we destined to always be what we are told that we are? Or is it time to open our minds and embrace people for who they say they are and not worry about anything else?

 I have always known what I wanted to do with my life. From my earliest memory I have always known that I was going to live, breathe and work in theatre. It didn’t help that I was third generation theatrical. Growing up I worked hard, learned as much as I could and threw myself in to the arts. Not too easy for a young woman back in the day. There were hundreds of women just like me, all eager to tread the boards. There are so many great plays for male actors, but surprisingly few great roles for women. In an over flooded market of trained actors, you needed to stand out. Be different from all the others. My niche was that I had waist length blonde hair and would take any role that was given to me. Which was not always a good thing. Some of the plays that I worked in. Blimely! Those are best left forgotten. But I knew who I was on the inside, and that was exactly how I looked on the outside. I am a heterosexual cis woman with she/her pronouns. In the great scheme of things, I had it pretty easy.

 Today I was out shopping. And as I was browsing all the lovely things that were all so shiny but massively overpriced, I found myself asking a fellow shopper if she thought that I should really be spending my hard-earned cash on yet another pair of shoes. She was younger than me, and was considerably better dressed than I was, and I was really hoping for some good advice on whether to buy the shoes or not. We chatted for a long time, well I did, she polity listened to me. And persuaded me that I really should treat myself to a new pair of shoes, so I did. I thanked her and went off to pay feeling in a really good mood. But sadly, that happy feeling was not to last.

 As I was standing at the till, a random customer behind me started talking about a ‘bloke in a dress,’ that was shopping in the shore. At first I assumed that there was some sort of charity drive and the employees where dressed up so collect donations for a good cause. Well, I was in a good mood, and would find said employees and hand over some cash. How wrong I was. The person behind me was jeering at the woman I had previously been talking to. My stomach sank. How quickly a few words can take the good mood from some one and turn it into something horrible. I wanted to turn around and confront the person behind me. I wanted to yell that the woman I had just been speaking to was exactly that. A woman. She was dressed as a woman. Spoke like a woman. Acted like a woman. She was a woman. It was so black and white for me. She was a woman because that is who she said she was. 

 Am I wrong? Is society right when they call out everything that is different and unusual? Is there safety in being just like everyone else? Should we all try and blend in, never speak up or dare to want something different with our lives? Are we all born into the correct bodies? Are we wrong to feel like we’re trapped in a body that is alien to us? Are we all just born in to either a female body or male body and that is who we are? Are these people who dare to speak out and realign their birth genders only doing it for attention? So they can use the toilets of the opposite sex? Or is it none of our business?

 Whenever I have been given news, be it good or bad, I have always asked how will it affect me and my life? When a friend wants to move to a new house. I ask myself, how will that affect my life. If someone’s getting married. Straight to the question, will it affect me? When someone comes out to me as gay. Yep, you’ve guessed it, I ask myself, how will it affect me. And 99 times out of 100 it doesn’t affect me at all. Not in the slightest. But it is my way of dealing with the news. So when I see a person who is trans, I just go straight on to the question, how does their being trans affect my life. And the answer is, was and will always be, it doesn’t. Nothing about their being trans has any affect on my life. Or does it? Am I just as much to blame as the ghastly customer behind me at the checkout? 

And what the heck is a Terf? I asked my eldest daughter what she knew about it, and she had never heard of the term. She even questioned as to whether or not I had made it up. But sadly, I hadn’t. Terf stands for Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist. It means that some women, for a whole plethora of reasons, believe that trans women will never be women. That only a naturally born females are women. Are Terf women really that bad at heart? Are they just standing up for us women who have spent millennia fighting for equal rights? That men shouldn’t just be allowed to say that they are women and are welcomed in with open arms? Is that what feminism truly is? Only working towards the equality of cis women? Or is feminism really about fighting for equality for all. For everyone regardless of gender, sexuality and religion. It is equality for everyone regardless. 

 As I left the shop, a few things flew into my head. Trans people have to face hardship and hatred at almost every corner. When I leave my house in the morning, I never have to worry about hate crimes or verbal attacks for being myself. I just go about my day, never having to assess if the next person who crosses my path will hurl insults or threats at me. Our world has been shaped out of superstition and fear, so that anyone who is different is inherently wrong and sinful. And I think it is well past time for us to all come together and fight for the freedoms for everyone. When I asked my children what they thought of trans people, the resounding consensus was, ‘You do you.’ You can do whatever you want with your life. It doesn’t affect me in the slightest. Why is what someone else does with their life any of my business? Why should I get to say how other people can live their lives? Who am I to cast judgement on anyone, let alone someone who chooses to live their lives in their own unique way? I should have turned around to the rude customer behind me and said that should mind their own business. I will do next time. And I hope that you can see that those who are ‘different’ from us are none of our business.