Closing time on closure

Hello, lovelies. 

     Cast your mind back, do you remember that argument you had. That really bad one. The one that came out of nowhere, but never really ended. Had been growing for a long time, but was never really addressed or dealt with? And what of the friendship that was once so strong, that has now not only ended, but you would struggle to even remember how you could be friends with that person in the first place. When all good things come to an end, do they ever truly end? And what of the bad things? Do they go on forever? What happens when we can’t or won’t get the closure that we need? Are we stuck, unable to move forward without some sort of ending? Do we really need closure, or can we just move on without a second thought? Or can we give ourselves the closure that we really need? I have always said that I am very easy to let go of.

 Over the years, I have lost friends, family members and even a husband. It has always seemed to be so easy to let me go. A small argument with a lifelong friend. A family secret exposed, cracking the family wide open. A loveless marriage. All ended the same way. Everyone walking away, leaving me alone. For the longest time I believed it was all down to me. Obviously, I was to blame. I was the common denominator that was dropped, abandoned or let go of so easily. Sometimes with out even a second thought. But how could I be the one that was always so forgettable? Am I really that easy to forget? Was it really all my fault? If not, would I ever get the closure that I needed in order to move on? 

 Today I had a conversation with a very dear friend of mine. I haven’t seen them for the longest time, and it was lovely to have a catch up, a natter and, very unexpectantly, some closure and an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. It wasn’t what either of us were expecting. But as we chatted, slowly but surely, the truth came out and, just like that, I felt a great sense of relief. The cause of all my angst, stress and resentment turned out to not be my fault. Not in the slightest. I have held on to the pain, the guilt and the sense of loss for many years. Believing all this time that I must have done something terrible to have caused all of the hatred and distrust. But it wasn’t my fault. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I had only believed the words of a person that I had thought was my friend, that I allowed into my home. A person who I thought always told the truth. I finally had some much-needed closure. I can now move on, heal and start again. But what would have happened if I hadn’t had been given closure?

 Many years ago, I was privy to a family secret. It didn’t originate from me, but as I had been told second hand, according to some family members, I had lied and made it all up to cause trouble. But why would anyone do that? And no matter how hard I tried to tell my family that it wasn’t me, I was let go of. I was no longer welcome at family gatherings or parties. I was to be left out. And at the time it had really hurt me. I held on to the pain. The guilt sat with me as I had caused so much trouble. I even started to question my own memories, to see if I could remember if I had really lied. But I hadn’t. I hadn’t said anything. Then, a few years later the truth came out. It had all been true. I hadn’t lied. And yet I still didn’t get closure. I was still let go of, because I was a reminder of the false accusations and the years of disconnection. I was disposable. 

 As for losing my husband. At the time I couldn’t wrap my head around being dropped and so unwanted after 23 long years of being together. So quickly my ex had found some one new. Some one better. Some one who wasn’t me. He walked away from me. No, he ran from me. And at the time I was devastated. Five years later, I still haven’t had closure from my ex-husband. And, to be honest, I never will. Does that mean I can never move on? Will I ever be able to get over him? And find love with someone else? Of course I will. Not having closure doesn’t mean anything in the long run. Yes, it smarts. Yes, I would love to hear the words, ‘I’m sorry.’ But my life will keep going with or without an apology or a recognition of blame.

 But there is one thing that can damage my mental health and future happiness. And that is not giving myself closure. It’s so easy with hindsight to look back to see what happened and understand it for what it was. When at the time it all looked so clear cut. But by letting go of it, understanding that we may never have the ending that we might like or need, and freeing ourselves of the pain, guilt and blame that we may hold. I am very lucky to be able to put the past behind me. I no longer need to worry or hold on to all those people around me, be it family or friend, that are no longer in my life. They say that the grass is always greener on the other side, but that’s never really the case. My family, that so easily let me go as a constant reminder, has now imploded, with each family member adrift from the others. Never to be repaired. Never to be reunited. They can never get over what happened. They will never have closure. They may look like they have it better than me, but it’s all a façade. The grass is nowhere near green. That once so dear friend of mine, for them the truth is now out. People know what happened and are now watching to spot the tell tail signs of it happening again. But I don’t need to be part of that. And as for my ex-husband. For those who knew him, they have always told me that I am so much better off without him. He is and will always be a toxic human being. He dropped me and ran away because he couldn’t face the truth. He has to keep running, never dealing with his past or thinking about the future. He can never give or receive closure. In a way I feel sorry for him. I never want to see him or speak to him again, but it must be very lonely where he is. I have closed the door to that part of my life. I have given myself closure. And that’s all that truly matters.