It's time to give up.

Hello, lovelies. With Valentine’s day a distant memory, and after having eaten my own body weight in pancakes, we are now in Lent, a time where, even if we’re not religious, we can think about giving something up. Whether it be cigarettes, the large glass of wine at the end of each day, or forty days with no social media. What ever it is that we’re giving up, should we only be doing it for Lent? Is it right to go back to old habits when Lent is over? Or should we just give it up for good? I’ve given up many things for Lent over the years. One year it was chocolate, hard to do, but I did it. Only to go and buy all the marked down Easter eggs the day after Easter and eat the whole lot, with a little help from my children of course. The year I gave up coffee is best left in the past, charges are still pending. But as I don’t drink, smoke and the only drugs I’ve ever taken are paracetamol. It seems silly to start a 20 a day habit whilst binge drinking and eating a magic mushroom, just to be able to give it up for Lent. So, I thought hard as to what I could give up? As we’re still in lockdown, it’s very easy to give up shopping. I’m not a gamer, a social butterfly or a partaker in going to the gym, you only have to look at me to know that. So, what is there to give up? And I realised that the one thing that I need to give up is me. From the day that we are born, we begin to grow into the person we are now. Our personalities shift and change until we reach the point where we’re happy with who we are and spend the rest of our lives being ourselves. But I didn’t do that. My childhood is a very complicated story, one even my therapist raised an eyebrow at. I didn’t have a particularly happy and harmonious school life. Being taller than everyone else, painfully shy, not conventionally pretty and dyslexic means that you’re not invited to the cool girl’s house. Or any one’s house. And throw into the mix three years of some pretty nasty bullying means that I didn’t grow as a child. I tried to hide who I was. My mother and best friend at the time saw me for who I was, but the world at large had no idea. I tried to change who I was. I tried to like the same boy bands – The Bros Brothers and New kids on the block. And I really struggled. I was raised on either classical music or the legendary Gilbert and Sullivan. I had no idea who any of the ‘cute’ boys were in the bands, and neither did I want to, but we all do what we need to do in order to be part of the crowd. But I can still recite all the words to A modern Major-General, so there’s that. And sadly, many of us know how retched it is to have been bullied. Those memories are hard to let go of. I still refuse to go on to the top deck of the bus for fear of the bullies all these years later. I still struggle with the feelings of not fitting in. I’m always the outsider. The one on the edges of what’s happening. But the funny thing is that if you know me, I never come across like that. I am the loud chatty one. The person who is always in the middle of the mix. The one who always laughs as if I didn’t have a care in the world. But that’s not me. We all wear a mask. Some are lucky enough to only have to wear it once in a while, but for the rest of us, we wear it all day every day. That mask keeps us safe. My mask means that no one ever asks me if I’m alright. Or ask if it’s the thing that I want to do. Or if I’m happy to do something. My mask means that I can keep my feelings and emotions secret. But all of that comes as a price. There are times that I have needed help or support, but my mask keeps people away. How can I let someone in if the mask is designed to keep people out? So, I have decided to give up being me this year. But the deal that I have made with myself is that this change is for life, and not just for Lent. I am going to refuse to over think EVERYTHING. I am going to give up all the self-doubt and lack of self-worth. I am going to give up my mask. The thing with Lent is that it’s a time to let go of something and think about the future and what Easter may bring. But it’s also a time to take stock of our lives. To work out why we do the things we do, and hopefully put an end to all those things that are not beneficial or helpful to our lives. So what are you going to give for Lent? Will you go back to the way you were you before or will you keep the changes up for good?