Can you hear me?

        Hello, lovelies.

         Have you ever reached out to someone, a close friend or family member for help and advice, but the person doesn't really listen to you? Is it that you're just being too needy or whinny.  Should you just suck it up and try to deal with it on your own? Maybe a problem shared isn't really a problem halved. Do we really want to talk to someone, or just want to be heard and understood? Are you only seeking validation? Is it all about you? Or are people just not very good listeners? 

       Do we feel undervalued if people are just not that interested in what we have to say? There is nothing worse than being in a conversation, but feeling that you are the only one taking part. Could that be because you are monopolising the conversation and only talking about yourself? Could you have strayed on to the forbidden topics like politic's, religion or money? Maybe you're not giving the other person the space to talk by shutting them down? What if you're boring, and talk in a quiet monotone voice? Are your subject matters dull and lifeless? Or maybe the other person just isn't that into you. But what can we do in times like these?   

        I, like most of you, am really struggling at the moment. I have absolutely no idea of what the new rules and guidelines are when it comes to this pandemic. Stay indoors. Go outside. Go to pubs, don't go to pubs. 2 metres apart. 1 metre apart. Family bubbles and contact tracing. And now the rule of 6. How can I keep up? I don't understand the way it all keeps shifting and moving so that what was bad before is good now. Like schools reopening and being able to meet friends for the first time in months at a park. To no more than 6 people together anywhere, but that doesn't include schools, shops or the cinema and hunting! I really need to talk to someone to help me understand it all. I need a friendly ear who could listen to me and help me put it all into perspective. But who? 

            I have a lot of friends, but few that I would count as close. I have always been known for being open and talkative, to the point of oversharing my life out for others to judge. But I have begun to set boundaries for myself, on how far I will allow other people to affect my life. But it can be really hard. And sometimes I really need to talk to someone. I have one close friend who always makes me laugh. She has led me into some incredibly silly and ridiculous situations, which has led to some really funny stories. I totally love her. But she works a crazy job, has kids and is trying to manage her own life. I don't want to burden her with all my nonsense. Then there is my other close friend. Over the years she has helped me out so much. She physically and metaphorically picked me up off the floor when I separated from my ex-husband and was completely broken. But she too has a very busy life, children, a loving husband and a full-time job. Does she really want to hear my waffling? I'm trying not to involve my eldest daughter. She has all her uni work and a life to lead. So who? Should I just try talking to myself? Well, not in public. And what of those friends that you call, only for them to take the conversation over and you end up listening to them. Being talked over when you try to say anything. Feeling completely flattened listening to them when all you wanted was an ear. 

        Are there rules about conversation etiquette? Yes, there are. We're hard-wired to follow cultural guidelines. They're unspoken (ha!) rules, but they're there. And by breaking them means that people won't want to talk to you, no matter how hard you try. What are those rules? You shouldn't interrupt. Or only talk about yourself. You mustn't waffle and endlessly wander off-topic leading to boring stories that don't go anywhere. You mustn't start by telling the other person that they're wrong, and spend the entire conversation telling them why. Never mansplain anything. Like, seriously, don't! Make sure that you actually stop talking to let the conversation flow, or lie to embellish stories. You should never rehash old stories that we've all heard many, many times before. And actively listen to the other person. 

        Is it easy to listen to others? No, it's not. Listening is one of the most important life skills you can have. How well you listen reflects on every aspect of your life. It helps with work, friendships and relationships. We listen for many different reasons. To obtain information, to understand, for enjoyment and to be able to learn. We listen all day. To music, to our families and friends. So we should be really good at it, shouldn't we? No, we're not. Research suggests that we only remember 25-50% of what we hear. And if you're one of my children that percentage is dramatically decreased when listening to me. 

        So what can we do? We need to actively listen. It can be really hard, we all have so much to cram into a day, we don't always have time to stop and actively listen to others. But it's very important to take the time to do so. We all want to be heard. But we all need to listen, too. We need to listen to ourselves, to what we need in order to look after ourselves. 

        I am very lucky. I have a very supportive family and friend base. I know that there are people I can go to for help. But if you haven't then there are many organizations and online agencies that can listen. The Samaritans are amazing and are always there ..  https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

        Being able to actively listen to others is important. And so is listening to yourself. So if I can't find anyone to talk to, then I will talk to my dogs. They are always happy to see me and will listen to me for hours and all they want in return is to have their bellies rubbed. And that's fine by me.