Letting go of love?

     Hello, lovelies.

            When someone you love dies, can you really get over the loss of them in your life? Is it important to hold on to every memento, every memory good and bad, every piece of furniture that has passed down through your family that now fills your house? But if you let go of anything, does that mean that you no longer love the person who's gone? Is it ever okay to let go of the pain and guilt? Or is that just letting go of love?     

        This past Friday marks the 16th year since my mother died. I use the word died, as opposed to passed away because when she died something in me died too. She was 59 and I was 28 and for the most part, I was completely in denial when she died. My mother had been ill for many years, but I always believed that she would outlive me. But she didn't. And then I was supposed to grow up in a world where my mother wasn't, and I really didn't want to. 

        My mother had a myriad of illnesses ranging from diabetes, angina, high blood pressure to name but a few. She'd had massive open-heart surgeries, and was covered in scars. Every day she took a cocktail of drugs to keep her alive. We used to joke that she rattled as she walked with the number of pills she had to take. But as the years passed the very drugs that were meant to keep her alive slowly ravaged her body. But she carried on working, writing and helping others. I was working full time, so would ask my mother to look after my young daughter when I was at work, some memories that my now 20-year-old daughter treasures. Sadly the tea-drinking ceremony that they used to do has been forgotten, as I was never allowed to attend. It was just for my daughter and my mother. They loved it.  Then one morning I got a call, my mother had had a fall, and an ambulance had been called. Dropping everything, I picked up my daughter from Nursery and dashed over to the hospital. My mothers fall had been due to her having a stroke. She was admitted into the Stroke ward, where she stayed for 2 months, before one day my daughter and I walked in on her having another stroke. That was traumatising, I can tell you.  It's all a bit of a blur after that. Two months later my mother was sent home for palliative care, not that I understood what that was. She died 11 days later. I was fortunate to have been there when she took her last breath. It was 5.45am on a Saturday morning. I stayed with her until the undertakers came and took her away. And I was alright. I didn't feel any pain or sense of loss. I even took my daughter out to the park. I did feel a massive sense of relief. She was no longer in pain, and that was okay, wasn't it? 

        Then the next day the enormity of her death hit me. No, more than that. I was destroyed by it. How could my mother have gone? I cried for 12 straight hours. Nothing anyone could say or do could take away the pain I felt. My mother had been my rock, my mentor and my best friend. Yes, she used to drive me nuts, but that's what mothers are supposed to do, or that's what I tell my 3 children, anyway. What was I supposed to do now? People told me that time was a great healer. But it wasn't. Every day, every minute, every second was taking me that one step further away from her and there was nothing I could do to stop it. 

        I can't believe that it has been 16 years. I can't remember what she sounded like, or what it was like to hug her. But I do know that every day with her was a blessing. I learnt so much, and she imparted such joy and love for the world, that I have shared with my children. 

        So should I hold on to all the pain of losing my mother? The guilt of being alive, while she is not? Do I really need to keep every piece of paper that she had written on? Will holding on to everything keep the memory of my mother close to me? Or does holding on to every chair that my mother owned fill up my life, and stops me from moving forward? I would do anything to spend 5 minutes talking to my mother, but those plates that I never use that she had only used on high days and holidays, could bring happiness to another family if I passed them on. Or is it just enough to have the photos, her glasses and her mother's sideboard that has pride of place in my dining room? 

        Can I let go of all the stuff and hold on the memory of my mother? She will always live on in my heart, is that enough? I know its corny to say, but she lives on in me and my brother. And she also lives on in the hearts of my children. My mother was an amazing woman. She touched the lives of all who knew her. Every day I think of her, and could really do with her advice. But if she were still here, I think that she would tell me that life is for living. We should love the past, but try to look forward. Making memories with those you love os far more important that longing for the lost love.