Where is my magic wand?

     Hello, lovelies. 

          They say patience is a virtue, but given half a chance, I bet most of us would take the easiest route possible. It’s not that we want to jump the queue or be rewarded for skipping the boring bits, it's just that we all have so much to do, that putting in the time, money or effort needed is sometimes a step too far. And I find that I don’t have the time to do any of the things that I want to do. Honestly, I am never going to read a third of the books that are all neatly piled up on my overflowing bookshelves. I have still to paint my bedroom, which has been on my to-do list for about two years now. And as for my beloved allotment, I cannot tell you where my days have gone, because I can never seem to find the time to go there. Why can’t all the things in life be easy? For some, they can pick up something quickly, whereas, for me, everything just takes such a long time. Like writing this blog, for example. I have sat in front of my laptop about ten times today, but as soon as I start writing, the time disappears and I have to jump up and try to finish off one of the hundred tasks that I should be doing. But why does everything take so much longer for me than others? Why is everything I do always such a struggle? And why can’t I have a magic wand to make all the hard work simply just go away?

          I have always struggled with understanding the world. All through my life, I have watched my peers see, learn and master whatever it was, whilst I would stare in bewilderment not even knowing how to start. Growing up I was always put in the lower sets and would spend hours and hours working to rise through the levels. And for the most part it worked. But I cannot tell you how demoralising it was to know how hard I had worked, only to see my classmates master it on the first go. Now, many, many years later, I know that I am dyslexic, but that can’t be the only reason for the endless work I have to do just to keep up with everyone else. Take my new venture, for example. Three weeks ago, I decided to learn how to touch type. Of course, I can type, but only with my index and middle fingers on both hands while looking at my fingers, and I cannot tell you the jumble I would sometimes see when I would look up at the screen to see what could easily be mistaken for ancient sand script. Sometimes even spell check gives up and has no idea what I’m trying to say. Now, in the evenings, I would sit at my laptop working my way through practice paragraphs online, trying to build up my touch-typing agility only to be told that I am now at the milestone that should be achieved by an eight-year-old. So, if a child should be able to do it, why I am struggling so much? Why can’t someone wave a magic wand and make all the hard work go away? 

        I don’t know about you, but I never get enough sleep. As soon as I wake up in the morning I’m running. Running to get to the bathroom before my daughter does. Running to get through the morning traffic. Running to get to work. Running to get to the end of the day so I can go to bed and start the whole thing all over again. And you would think that as sleep is my absolute favourite thing in the world to do, I would make sure that I could spare the time to do it. But as soon as I get home from work, I endlessly try and tick off some things on my to-do list, which I never seem to get to the bottom of, I am too tired to go to bed. At the time that most people get ready to go to bed, they could read for a bit or play a few games on their phones, and then roll over and turn off the light, I am still trying to work out where all the time has gone. And I am still no closer to doing any of the things I would rather be doing. Also, as much as I love eating fruit and vegetables, I don’t eat anywhere close to five pieces of fruit and veg a week let alone a day. Then the fact that I always seem to be taking on work and responsibilities way more than I should. Could any of that contribute to my struggles? Is that why I can’t find my wand? 

      I was talking to a very good friend of mine and I was telling her that I felt like a complete failure because I could only type 28 words a minute and not the 300 that I was expecting from myself, even after all the hours that I have put into it over the past 21 days, and she laughed at me. She then asked me what was I expecting after such a short period. It can take months to build up to 60 words per minute, let alone faster than that. And then she told me a story about when she was learning to type. When she learnt, she found it very difficult, but as her job needed her to speed type asap, she had no other choice than to learn. To everyone else in the office, it looked like my friend was an instant expert in typing, but she told me that it was all a bluff. When she looked as if she had mastered the art, what she was doing before she walked into the office, was closing her eyes, taking a big breath and acting confidently. When she walked into the office, she acted as if she was completely in control of her life. She told me that she was no better than anyone else, but she acted with confidence, and those around her didn’t see all the hard work she put into learning the skill, but the projection of someone who knew what she was doing.

         I know that everyone struggles, life is full of hardships, and just because some people can learn new skills faster than others, doesn’t mean that they didn’t have to put in a lot of hard work too. And judging myself against them is doing both of us a disservice. So, I am going to have to put the hours in, and patiently sit at my laptop and learn, just as everyone else has had to do. Oh, and maybe I should cut my workload down, seriously look into my diet and lack of exercise and prioritise sleep over trying to get to the bottom of my to-do list. I don’t need a magic wand, even if I’d really like one. And once I have master the art of typing, then I can feel really proud in my achievements, something of which I wouldn’t t feel if all the hard work magically went away. So no magic wand for me.