How should I feel?

Hello, lovelies. We have all experienced bad news in our lives. It can come as a complete surprise that can stop us in our tracks. And then we can hear some news that isn’t holy unexpected. But how are we supposed to react? In that split second, as our emotions take a nosedive, we have to compose and contain ourselves. How much is too much emotion? Do we always need to cry at bad news? What if the news is bad, but doesn’t affect us at all? What if the bad news is something that we couldn’t care less about? What are we supposed to do in a situation like that? How are we supposed to feel in these moments? I was, as usual, running late for work on Friday morning. Mornings are not my best subject at the best of times. In a mad dash I grabbed my coffee and coat and jumped into my beloved car. Starting the engine, I put it into reverse, but nothing happened. The car didn’t move, didn’t it know that I was late for work? How could it do this to me? What was the problem? Had the bin men put the wheelie bins behind my car again, and that was what was stopping me from getting to work? So, getting out of the now ‘vehicle of lateness’, I saw that there wasn’t anything in the way. So, what was wrong. Then I saw it. Yep. It was a flat tire. Why! And what was this happening on a day that I was already running super late? So, I called my boss to make my excuses and heading for my local garage. What a horrible journey that was. My poor car. My poor boss. I was in a pickle. But the lovely men at the garage took the car and began putting on a new tire. And it was whilst I was waiting to pay that I was hit with some really bad news. And it wasn’t the cost of the new tire, £60! That would have been bad enough. No, the news I was told, completely unsolicited, was that someone that had once held a huge part in my life but now is nothing to me had had a stroke and was in a very bad way. I mean, how is anyone supposed to deal with unexpected news like that? And in front of near strangers? What was I supposed to do? How should I have reacted to that? How was I supposed to feel? People come and go from our lives. Some of the most fantastic people can be there one minute and gone the next. Friendships can grow and solidify, whilst others that appear to be build on concrete, end with all bridges being burnt. And someone that we love, or think we love, can become nothing more than a bad memory from our past. And that is where this person is now in my life. I feel nothing towards him. Nothing. No hatred for everything he’s done. I feel nothing from the damage he inflicted on my life, and the pain and fear that he brought to me and my children. He is nothing more than a distant memory, thanks to a huge amount of therapy. And I mean a HUGE amount. And then I was smacked in the face with the fact that he has had a stroke. And a stroke, the thing that finally killed my mother. Why couldn’t have been anything else? Not that I was anything else on anyone else. But why a stroke? What was I meant to say? I stood there, looking like a gawping fish, as the garage man chatted away to me. My insides were churning, but I managed to keep on my poker face. With my new tire fitted, I paid and drove, slowly, to my work. And I still didn’t know how I felt. Was I meant to feel sadness? Shock? Anger? What? I mean, I don’t wish a stroke on anyone, I saw what it did to my mother, and I know how damaging they can be. But where was the sympathy? Why couldn’t I feel anything? I tried. I dug right down to the very bottom of my soul, but I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. Am I a monster? I have always prided myself on my humanity. But I couldn’t raise the smallest amount of sorrow. What did it mean? After a lot of talking, and listening to my best friends, and with a lot of research, I have come to realise that I do not have to feel anything. Nothing, Nada. As long as I don’t wish ill will on anyone, then I shouldn’t beat myself up for not feeling anything when I’m hit with some bad and shocking news. In fact, the realisation that I feel nothing for someone who had created such fear and pain in my life for so long, just goes to show how far I’ve come. I never want to wish ill on anybody, but I don’t have beat myself up for feeling nothing.