Am I the side Character?

 

Hello, Lovelies.

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   Have you ever felt like you've never come in the first place? That you must be failing at life? Well, I have. 

 

 

    Although my life I have never come in first, always ending up in the second spot. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I worked, no matter what I did, I always came in second. At school, or work, my marriage, my acting career, to my parents (but that is for another story,) how I look or what I wear. I always seem to be the one that walks away feeling like I was overlooked, walked over or just forgotten. So much so that I often feel like I am just easily forgotten. And I hate feeling like that. Am I just that forgettable? Am I just never going to be good enough? But good enough for who? And what does it actually mean to come in second? 

    Many people spend their entire lives achieving everything they set out to do. Fantastic jobs, beautiful families, showroom homes and that cuttie dog that is totally perfect and doesn't pee on the carpet when she thinks no one is looking. (True story about my dog!) On social media, you can see those perfect families. Beautifully toned, bronzed, happy families. You know the ones. Those are the people I would love to be, but am never like that, not even close.  Every photo taken of me looks like a mug shot. My eyes are closed, I'm pulling a weird face, or the top of my head is not in the frame. With my 3 children and 2 dogs, my house permanently looks like a bomb has gone off. The mountain of washing never goes down, and if I could have an evening where my children actually did their homework and didn't yell at each other, I would die happy. 

   High school was very hard for me. I am dyslexic, and schools in the '80s and '90s didn't understand what  dyslexia was, let alone how to help an anxious teenager battling a schooling system that called her 'bright but not smart.' And that hurt. I always assume that everyone else knows things that I don't. That they understand life, while I am left out. They just get the 'thing'. Whatever the thing is. And as I longingly stare at those photos and imagine what my life would be like if I was like that. 

    Now, and this is the funny part,  people think that I have come first in my life. That I am winning. I own my own house. I was married, and I have been blessed with 3 beautiful, if not bonkers, children.

 I have been cast as the principal role in many productions, and I enjoy my jobs. Doesn't that classify as coming first? If it does, why does it not feel like it? Isn't life supposed to be a competition? Isn't its a race to be won? But then, who are the judges? 

    Then it hit me. I am like that. Those perfect people are like me. We are all perfectly beautiful, but slightly damaged, humans. It's just that those people don't show their broken bits, but we all have them.  And coming in second doesn't make me less than anyone else. Second means that I am almost there. That I am good enough. That I have been seen for who I am.  

      And then I realised that I have always put myself in second place. When I'm not called back for an audition. When my house isn't picture-perfect.  When I worry that I am forever going to be single and die alone. I put myself in that second position. When what I should be saying is, so what! Who cares? It didn't work out this time, but there's always a next time. I have the ability to put myself first.  I am never going to be a size 8. I am never going to look like I did 20 years ago. Okay. I am who I am. And you are who you are!  I must see myself as more than my perceived failings and rejoice in the experience of life. I must put myself in the top spot, and not allow anyone to knock me off. Everyone one is entitled to an opinion,  and from now on my opinion is that I am enough. So even if I fail. Even if I come in last. I can celebrate the journey. I will rejoice in being second, as it means that I took part. I was there. I am enough.

                        Put yourself in the top spot, and don't allow anyone to knock you off. 

 Me playing Mrs Vita Louise Simmons, in the LAC production of Harvey 2019.