Depends on which way you look at it

        Hello, lovelies. 

         They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That one person's trash is another’s treasure. There are so many versions of the truth, how is one to know if we’re ever right or not? Mostly, we strive to create a world in which we can grow, learn, love and be the best version of ourselves. But what happens when our idea of who we are doesn’t reflect how others perceive us? How can we bridge the gap when someone sees us so differently than how we see ourselves? Which version of us is true? The way we feel about ourselves versus the way others see us? Can we be certain of how we come across? And what happens when we are confronted by others about who we are and have to work out how our version is so completely wrong? Are we really how we see ourselves? Or do we have a blindside to all our foibles and idiosyncrasies? Are we really who we think we are? Or should we take what others say about us with a pinch of salt? 

            Believe it or not, I am painfully shy. And the only way I can put myself out into the world is to put on the Emma persona. That version of me is chatty, bubbly and confident, but deep down, that is very far from who I am. That side of me just wants to stay at home, talk to my plants and read my book. The only way I can leave my house is to put on my Emma face and brave the world. Then, I can go about my day trying to live my very best life. Yes, I can be pretty annoying at times, but who isn’t? I can honestly say that I have never deliberately done or said anything to hurt anyone. As the old saying goes, if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all. And I have always tried to live by that. I go the other way. I love telling people how wonderful they are. It doesn’t cost me anything and a kind word can really brighten up someone's day. All I am doing is telling it how I see it. Am I making a difference? Or would it be better to not say anything at all, just in case of being misconstrued and possibly offending someone? And what about the people that I don’t speak to, who hear me praising the virtues of others? How does that make them feel? Left out? Lesser than? Invisible?

            A couple of weeks ago I was chatting with a friend of mine, and we were talking about a mutual friend of ours. When suddenly, my friend turned on me and accused me of failing to see just how horrible the mutual friend was. To say that this hit me from left field would be an understatement. My friend then proceeded to tell me just how horrible I was, and that they had been too scared to tell me as I am very hard to talk to. I must have looked a sight. I just stood there, mouth agape, as my friend told me all the home truths as they saw it. All I could do was apologise and excuse myself. But was my friend correct? Am I the terrible person that my friend said I am? And if so, how could I have walked so blindly through my life not knowing just how horrible I am to others?

             One of the hardest things I think that a person can do is to look at themselves and ask all those difficult questions like, who am I? Is my sense of humour as funny as I think it is? Do I enter a room and add to it, or do eyes roll as I begin with the Emma persona? And as I was delving into the rabbit hole that I found myself in, I had a very unexpected encounter with a dentist. Yep, it really was as strange as it sounds. Very long story short, I had to make an emergency dentist appointment. Let's just say, when you’re told that dogs will eat your very expensive mouthguard if they get the chance, believe them and hide it as best you can! That was a very costly lesson, indeed. And a very yummy snack for my blinking dogs! Anyhoo. As I was waiting to see my dentist, another unbelievably handsome dentist came out, saw me and beamed. The encounter went as embarrassingly as this. Dentist, ‘Hello, Emma. How are you?’

 Me, ‘Um……hello…’ 

 Dentist, ‘I just wanted to say hello, and to know how you’re getting along.’

 Me, ‘Um……good….’ 

          The dentist was gorgeous, lovely and extremely intelligent, and he had seen my name and sought me out to talk to me! But why? Why would he put himself in my vicinity if I truly was as awful as I was feeling inside? Well, as it turned out, we had chatted for a while at my daughter's last appointment, and I had told him just how good he was at his job. And that he had made a potentially anxious routine check-up into a lovely and affirming visit. And my words had stayed with him. My simple comment had made him smile, and for that, he was grateful and eager to talk to me again. So, was I really as bad as I felt and had been led to believe?

           In the past, I have always tried to lighten the mood by making a silly joke or flippant comment. A nothing remark, with the only intent to make someone smile. And sometimes it did do exactly that. Made someone smile, even if it was only me. And yet, there are times that one of my silly remarks didn’t land so well, and had the opposite effect to the one I was aiming for. And could be misconstrued and hurt someone’s feelings. But what to do? I’ve looked at myself and tried to limit my interactions with others. I’ve tried to make myself small to fit in, and not offend anyone, but still, one little comment or joke, and I’m right back where I started, full of self-doubt and worry. I can’t just walk away from my life and hide at my allotment, refusing to come out and talk to anyone, as much as I would love that, being the crazy old allotment hag. Should I hide myself away, and when I do venture out, hand a warning sign around my neck declaring that I was bound to make a stupid remark? Maybe I should say nothing at all, and therefore not put myself at risk of offending someone. But, then, I wouldn’t have spoken to my daughter’s dentist, and my comment, that had brightened his day, would never have been said. Would that have been any better?

           I have struggled with this life-changing decision. To talk or not to talk, that is the question. To be me or not and try and be someone else. When a very dear friend of mine sent me a message out of the blue saying that I should never allow anyone to dull my sparkle. So very simple, and yet changed the whole way that I had been thinking about myself. I am always in danger of saying the wrong thing, we all are. No matter how hard we try, everything we say has the potential of upsetting someone. So, there is no point in hiding yourself away in fear. But instead, we should embrace who we are and say the stupid comment anyway. 

          Popeye, that very famous sailor, once said - I am what I am, and I think that is how I am going to see myself from now on. I am what I am, for better and for worse. And with hindsight, I can now see that my friend who told me how they saw me, is dealing with their own demons, and what they said has to be taken with a huge chunk of salt and understanding that they said it from a place of pain and deflection. So, yes, I still have the same awful sense of humour, and I’m never going to be able to stop talking to people, and that’s okay. It’s okay to be me. And I am not going to change who I am no matter how badly I put my foot in it.